I feel the need to blog today about the only thing that is on my mind but I feel like I have no words and a million words all at the same time. I am full of knots and sadness and confusion. I have come to the end of something. This time I am telling God and Casey 'I can't do this anymore' and I actually mean it. Something is not working. We have reached a breaking point with Ntokozo, and something has to change.
We have a teenager living in our home that is only a shadow of the girl we first met last November. In November we saw a shy, beautiful, and gentle girl who had been a victim of horrible atrocities but was loving and willing to come into a new life with our family. Now we have a teenage girl who only scowls, rolls her eyes, speaks shortly and rudely, hides in her room, and refuses to be a part of almost any family activity. We try to engage her, speak with her, talk through whatever it is that we can figure out that MIGHT be bothering her, but she completely shuts down and won't even look or speak to us. We knew this girl was traumatized, but I think we are seeing the depth of pain that we never imagined.
We are a loving home, a fun home, a happy home. We have dance parties, we tell jokes, we eat meals together, we work together, we talk about Jesus, love our neighbors and love our church. Naively we assumed brining a hurt child into this environment would be positive and help her to move past the pain, but instead we have found our home to be a place where all her pain coming up for 'air' and pointed mostly at us. It seems that Casey and I are the problem, the perpetrators, the bad ones. I am dumbfounded and confused. I am hurt. Hurt personally, obviously just because we are rejected. But more, WAY MORE, I am hurt that this beautiful girl won't accept out love, won't come into this place of trust, won't open her wounds up in a safe environment. It is honestly one of the most painful things I have EVER been a part off. Seriously.
So here we are. So many words, and no words to even get close to describing what I am feeling. We just need prayers. We need miracles. We need Jesus. Today, a ministry friend who has been working with Ntkozo is taking her out to talk this afternoon, and tonight Casey and I will be speaking with her to really lay it out - this attitude and anger cannot go on in our home. Tomorrow (Thursday) we are planning on taking her to a counselor, but I don't even know if she will speak to a counselor at all. I just don't know.
I am going to stop talking now, but will you please pray? I mean really, really pray. Pray for Ntokozo not us. We are okay, we have GREAT community and friends and are just praying and worshipping our great God who loves us. But Ntokozo has completely isolated herself and needs wisdom, clarity, discernment, courage, to choose love. Pray for her.