This week is just insane. I knew it would be hard, but my little heart is feeling especially weak under all this pressure. The hours pass by so slowly because I am just heartbroken. I keep replaying all our days with Ntokozo trying to figure out where it went wrong. I am confused. I am hurt. I am so sad for her. I remember one time early in our journey with her when Casey said that if we got to the end of this and she didn't choose a great life, he would be really upset. I told him it wasn't up to us. But we were talking about university, like what if she didn't try hard enough to go to university or to get a good job. I just never thought it would end like this. I have no idea how it's going to go on; it's all murky. I can only hope at this point that she will allow us in her lives so we can love her, but I don't even know. Tonight is her last night with us, and her cousin Minky will come spend the night, and we will have a youth event of watching a movie together. This day seems long. And then on top of all of it, I was talking to one of my leaders at OV Methodist and she started asking me strange questions to only finally get out of her that people in our church are talking bad about me and suscpicious of me. I know it's only a small group and can probably guess who, but it's just so hurtful. All I have come to do is love and serve these people. I am not perfect but I do not have a known agenda. I just want to love. Maybe I need to examine things a bit more, but it's just painful. I always say, "hurt people will hurt people." But it's much easier to say that when I'm trying to comfort someone else and not myself.
But then I woke up this morning and allowed God's mercies to wash over me afresh. I am far from perfect and on the journey too. And in the midst of all this pain and judgement, trying to throw it back only feels dirty. So I want to choose love instead. I can't come from me, but from a deep, DEEP place within me where only God can be, I feel something rising. I am just going to walk with my head held high and love.
God reminded me of HIS love and how, "We love because he first loved us." (-1 John 4:19). I am loved. I have nothing to hide, and I carry no shame. I am not condemnded even though I am not perfect. I am loved. So I take that love and give it to others.
It reminded me of this quote from Mother Teresa:
"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway.
If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway.
Give the world the best you have and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway.
For you see, in the end, it is between you and God. It was never between you and them anyway."
Even in the midst of the darkness, all I can do is love anyway. I don't say all this to sound super-spiritual, but just to say that from the depths of hurt and betrayal, God is there and He can create something new out of those ashes. I wouldn't believe it unless I was experiencing it myself.
I will love anyway.
Love,
Sarah
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