And In This Corner...

 We had our first fight.  It was bound to happen at some point.  I mean, for most relationships, a conflict can be defining because it shows important sides of both people in the relationship.  Ntokozo and I had never really had a fight before.  There were some times when I had to 'disipline' her or tell her how we expected something differently, but this was full-on fight.  The details aren't really important (they never are, right?) but in the heat of the moment, as I was driving around looking for my wandering, lost, brown daughter, I recalled something I had read recently in a parenting article specifically written for foster parents.  It said when you have a fight, make sure you as as the parent, leave the heat of the conflict when you are angry so you don't say something you will regret.  Upon reading it I thought it was a bit intense, for the heated people, but it stuck with me and I brought it into practice on Sunday.  When I found Ntokozo and picked her up, I didn't look at her or speak at first.  Finally I said, "I am very upset with you but I don't want to talk about it now.  Go to your room and we will talk later."  She was obedient, but I could tell she was shocked to see this new side of me.  So was I, honestly, and all I could think about were swear words and loud shouts as I fumed in that car, and later during my (restless) nap.  I did know DEFINITELY that I needed to wait to talk to her.  But here is the kicker in the whole thing.  Kieren.  I finally dragged Ntokozo off her floor (literally) where she was taking a pouty, coma nap, and took her and Kieren to the mall to get groceries and an ID photo that Ntokozo needed.  As we were driving and waiting and walking, Kieren continued to play with her sissy, and laugh with her, and talk to her, in the most adorable and sweet ways.  I told Ntokozo out loud, "how am I supposed to stay mad at you when Kieren loves you so much?"  I have a feeling I will think that many times in the years to come.  They are so bonded; it's beautiful.  Eventually I made Ntokozo talk about the event, when I was feeling better and could articulate my heart, and tears streamed down her face as she was so upset that I was angry.  Interesting.  But that little tip proved true, because there is something different in Ntokozo and something new in our relationship as I grow as her foster mother.  With all those years missing between us, things like conflict prove to be doubly hard, and so it's another challenge to work through and really try hard to do the right way.  But in all our significant relationships, conflict defines us, for good or bad.  In the end, we forced her to go to Hillsong and dinner with us (you WILL sing to God and eat Mexican food... we are so mean) and the day was fine even though we had a moody daughter along with us.  I don't know how this fight defined us, but I feel stronger.  I feel clearer.  No matter what this crazy one does, the brown crazy one, I will fight to understand her and love her and teach her.  And I know I will learn a lot about my brokenness along the way too.  What have you learned about loving yourselves or others in conflict?  Especially with children - would love to hear from you!

Lots of love,
Sarah